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Monday, May 7, 2012

Wedding weight and women's mental illness....

So, before the big day I had a migraine for two weeks prior to the wedding. Percocet and various other narcotics helped to alleviate the pain, but, as we all know, it causes other problems. Two weeks without a bowel movement. And I know, you don't care about my bowels, but I promise this turns into my most embarrassing story where everyone will be like "OMG SHE DIDN'T!"

So, I tried pill laxatives, gentle yet effective...not. I tried "the other end" version, yep, no worky. I was DESPERATE. I had a wedding dress to fit into and my belly was just getting bigger and bigger and it caused my migraine to get worse and the cycle was just awful. TWO WEEKS people. Keep in mind, desperate.

So, I decided to purchase TWO bottles of Magnesium Citrate. TWO BOTTLES. Cherry (for those that care). I decided to take said bottles at 6pm, I drank one and a half.  I thought, FAST ACTING. Turns out, my plumbing was a little more backed up than expected.

Went to bed at midnight, still nothing. I thought, I'll be fine. 3am hits, I violently awake to my stomach screaming at me. Bill wakes up and lets say my RUN to the bathroom wasn't effective. Outfit #1 ruined. Bill, being the doting, loving husband he is, took my clothes, threw them out and brought me new clothes. I was there for an hour and thought for sure I was safe. Ah, the idiocy at 4am is outstanding.

6am. Screaming stomach again. Outfit #2 ruined. Again doting husband, taken care of me. This time I sleep on the bathroom floor. Shitting your pants two times in 3 hours, makes you reassess the situation!

9am. Wake up and THANK THE GOOD LORD I am in the bathroom. But, Still didn't make it. Seriously. Again, doting husband. Outfit #3 done. I ran out of clothes!

So I think I am done with my stomach issues, refuse to eat for a day but decide water is safe....not so much. UGH. Go to Target, buy all new clothes, think I'm safe.

I get talked into dinner that night. Mistake. I ended up so freaked out that I was going to ruin my new clothes that I asked Bill to run to CVS to get my adult diapers. Yep, I wore adult diapers for a night...just in case. Otherwise I was getting no sleep.

So, you think women are nuts about weddings, try living through this. I think Bill still has nightmares about the sounds he heard as I ran to the bathroom.

Wedding weight, totally not worth the pain of magnesium citrate. And I had to have my dress taken out anyway.


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